We probably all hold these value to some degree or another. I consider it fundamental enough to the success of community that it deserves a separate discussion.

It boils down to this for me. I never want to lie. Not even white lies, that most of society justifies, are cowardly as best and damaging to relationships at worst.

Language can be likened to the spectrum of violence in the sense that violence is never justified except in the cases of self-defence. To me, self-defence is the only moral application of lying. If you can protect yourself from harm by using a lie then that seems preferable to resorting to physical means.

However, I don’t know why I should lie to my friends or family. Am I protecting myself from them? Some people imagine that our lies protect their fragile feelings from our honest opinions. But that type of coddling really prevents our loved ones from improving and assumes them incapable of handling criticism, which is infantilizing.

Lies will weaken our social relationships, no matter how small. This kind of commitment to the truth does not require you to tell your boss that their tie is ugly. A desire, to tell the truth, is not the same as a desire to blurt out every thought that suddenly appears in your mind.

This distinction between privacy and truth can be extremely helpful here. If a friend asks you what you think of a project they have worked hard on, and you don’t like it, you can truthfully answer that you prefer to keep your thoughts private. This could prompt your friend to realize that perhaps you have critical feedback. They might press you which could open a space for a dialogue about why you prefer to keep your thoughts private which could ultimately strengthen that relationship. Or it could prompt your friend to protect their pride and go elsewhere for validation. At least then your friendship is preserved, but you have not misled your friend by lying to them about their work. To send your friend down a path of further ruin because you wanted to avoid an awkward moment is immoral.

I realize this can put us in awkward situations, but we slow progress towards a better world when we’re constantly lying to each other in an effort to protect our egos. If we tell white lies, then we are plainly not trustworthy. Let’s learn to embrace awkward moments instead of lying.